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The Ideal Muslim Woman and Her Parents
(An Excerpt from the Book “The Ideal Muslimah: The True Islâmic Personality of the Muslim Woman as Defined in the Qur’ân and Sunnah”)
By Dr. Muhammad ‘Ali Al-Hashimi
Translated by Nasiruddin Al-Khattab and Revised by Ibrahim M. Kunna and Abu Aya Sulaiman Abdus-Sabur Copyright and published by the International Islâmic Publishing House (IIPH), Riyadh, Saudi Arabia in 1999.
She treats them
with kindness and respect (birr)
One of the main distinguishing
characteristics of the true Muslim woman is her respectful and kind treatment of
her parents. Islam encourages respect towards and kind treatment of parents in
many definitive texts of the Qur’an and Sunnah; any Muslim woman who reads
these texts has no choice but to adhere to their teachings and treat her parents
with kindness and respect, no matter what the circumstances or the state of the
relationship between daughter and parents.
She recognizes
their status and knows her duties
towards them
From her reading of the Qur’an, the
Muslim woman understands the high status to which Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala)
has raised parents, and that it is a status which mankind has never known except
in Islam, which has placed respect for parents just one step below belief in
Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) and true worship of Him. Many ayat of the
Qur’an describe pleasing one’s parents as coming second only to pleasing
Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala)
and confirm that treating parents well is the best of good deeds after having
faith in Allah (subhanahu wa
ta’ala).
(
Serve Allah, and join not any partners with Him; and do good, to parents . . .) (Qur’an 4:36)
So
the Muslim woman who truly understands the teachings of her religion is kinder
and more respectful towards her parents than any other woman in the world; this
does not stop when she leaves the home to marry and start her own family, and
has her own, independent, busy life. Her respect and kindness towards her
parents are ongoing and will remain an important part of her behavior until the
end of her life, in accordance with the Qur’anic teaching which has enjoined
kind treatment of parents for life, especially when they reach old age and
become incapacitated and are most in need of kind words and good care:
(
Your Rabb (Cherisher and Sustainer) has
decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether
one of both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of
contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And, out of
kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, ‘My Rabb (Cherisher and
Sustainer) ! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in
childhood.’)
(Qur’an 17:23-24)
The
Muslim woman whose heart has been illuminated with the light of Qur’anic
guidance is always receptive and responsive to this divine instruction, which
she reads in the ayat that enjoin good treatment of parents. So her
kindness and respect towards them will increase, and she will be even more
devoted to serving them. She will do her utmost to please them, even if she has
a husband, house, children and other responsibilities of her own:
(
Serve Allah, and join not any partners with Him; and do good - to parents . . .)
(Qur’an 4:36)
( We
have enjoined on man kindness to parents . . .) (Qur’an 29:8)
( And We have enjoined on man
[to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him . .
.)
(Qur’an 31:14)
Anyone
who looks into the Islamic sources regarding the kind treatment of parents will
also find plenty of Hadith that reinforce the message of the ayat quoted
above and reiterate the virtue of kindness and respect towards one’s parents,
as well as warning against disobedience or mistreatment of them for any reason
whatsoever. ‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ud said:
“I
asked the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), ‘Which deed is most liked
by Allah (subhanahu wa
ta’ala) ‘ He said, ‘Prayer offered on time.’ I asked him, ‘Then
what?’ He said, ‘Kindness and respect towards parents.’ I asked him,
‘Then what?’ He said, ‘Jihad for the sake of Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala).’” 1
The
Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), this great educator, placed kindness
and respect towards parents between two of the greatest deeds in Islam: prayer
offered on time and jihad for the sake of Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala). Prayer
is the pillar or foundation of the faith, and jihad is the pinnacle of
Islam. What a high status the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) has given
to parents!
A
man came to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) to “make bay’ah”
and to pledge to undertake hijrah and jihad in the hope of
receiving reward from Allah (subhanahu
wa ta’ala). The Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) did not rush to accept his bay’ah, but asked him,
“Are either of your parents alive?” The man said, “Yes, both of them.”
The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) asked, “And do you wish to
receive reward from Allah (subhanahu
wa ta’ala) “ The man replied, “Yes.” So the kind-hearted and
compassionate Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) told him, “Go back to
your parents and keep them company in the best possible way.”2
According to
a report narrated by Bukhari and Muslim, a man came and asked the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) for permission to participate in jihad. He asked
him, “Are your parents alive?” The man said, “Yes,” so the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) told him, “So perform jihad by taking care of
them.”3
In
the midst of preparing his army for jihad, the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) did not forget the weakness of parents and their claims on
their children, so he gently discouraged this volunteer and reminded him to take
care of his parents, despite the fact that he needed all the manpower he could
get for the forthcoming jihad. This is because he understood the
importance of respect and kind treatment of parents, and knew its position in
the overall Islamic framework that Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) has designed
for the well being and happiness of mankind.
When the mother of Sa’d ibn Abi
Waqqas objected to her son’s embracing Islam, she told him: “Give up Islam,
or I will go on hunger strike until I die. Then you will feel shame before the
Arabs, as they will say that he killed his mother.” Sa’d told her, “You
should know that, by Allah (subhanahu
wa ta’ala) even if you had a hundred souls, and they left your body one by
one, I would never give up Islam.” Then Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) revealed
an ayah which the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) recited to the
Muslims, in which Sa’d was rebuked for the harshness of his reply to his
mother:
(
But if they strive to make you join in worship with Me things of which you have
no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice
[and consideration] . . .)
(Qur’an 31:15)
The
story of the devoted worshipper Jurayj, which was told by the Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam),
is a vivid illustration of the importance of respecting one’s parents
and being quick to obey them. One day his mother called him whilst he was
praying, and he wondered, “My Rabb
(Cherisher and Sustainer) , my mother or my prayer?” He chose to continue his
prayer (rather than answering his mother). She called him a second time, but he
continued praying and did not answer her. Then she called him a third time, and
when he did not respond she prayed to Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala) not
to let him die until he had seen the face of a prostitute. There was a
prostitute in that locality who had committed adultery with a shepherd and
become pregnant. When she realised that she was with child, the shepherd told
her: “If you are asked about the father of the baby, say it is Jurayj, the
devoted worshipper.” This is what she said, so the people went and destroyed
the place where he used to pray. The ruler brought him to the public square, and
on the way Jurayj remembered his mother’s prayer and smiled. When he was
brought forth to be punished, he asked for permission to pray two rak’ahs,
then he asked for the infant to be brought forth and whispered in his ear,
“Who is your father?” The infant said, “My father is so-and-so, the
shepherd.”4 The people exclaimed “La ilaha illa-Allah” and “Allahu
akbar!” They told Jurayj, “We will rebuild your prayer-place with silver
and gold!” He said, “No, just rebuild it as it was, with bricks and
mortar.” Concerning this story, which is reported by al Bukhari, the Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:
“If Jurayj had sound knowledge, he would have known that answering his mother
was more important than continuing his prayer.”5 Hence the fuqaha’
suggested that if one is praying a nafil prayer and one of one’s
parents calls one, one is obliged to stop one’s prayer and answer them.
The duty to treat one’s parents with
kindness and respect sunk into the consciousness of the Muslims, so they
hastened to treat their parents well both during their lives and after their
deaths. There are many reports and Hadith that indicate this, for example the
report thatdescribes how a woman of Juhaynah came to the Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and
said: “My mother made a vow (nadhr) to perform Hajj but she did not
perform Hajj before she died. May I perform Hajj on her behalf?” He said,
“Yes, go and perform Hajj on her behalf. If you knew that your mother had a
debt, would you not pay it off for her? Pay off what is due to Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala), for Allah (subhanahu
wa ta’ala) has more right to be
paid off.”6
According
to a report given by Muslim, she asked, “She owed a month’s fasting, so may
I fast on her behalf?” The Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “Fast
on her behalf.” She said, “She never performed Hajj, so may I perform Hajj
on her behalf?” He said, “Perform Hajj on her behalf.”7
She is kind
and respectful towards her parents even if they are not Muslim
The
Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam) raised his teachings to a
new peak when he enjoined his followers to treat their parents with kindness and
respect even if they were adherents of a religion other than Islam. This is
clear from the Hadith of Asma’ bint Abi Bakr al-Siddiq,
who said: “My mother came to me, and she was a mushrik at the
time of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam). I asked the Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam),
‘My mother has come to me and needs my help, so should I help her?’
He said, ‘yes, keep in touch with your mother and help her.’” 8
The
true Muslim who understands the meaning of this Qur’anic guidance and the
teachings of the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) cannot but be
the best and kindest of all people towards his parents, at all times. This is
the practice of the Sahabah and those who followed them sincerely. A man
asked Sa’id ibn Musayyab (RAA): “I understood all of the ayah about
kindness and respect towards parents, apart from the phrase ‘but address them
in terms of honour.’ How can I address them in terms of honour?” Sa’id
replied: “It means that you should address them as a servant addresses his
master.” Ibn Sirin (radhiallahu
anhu) used to speak to his mother in a soft voice, like that of a sick person,
out of respect for her.
She is extremely
reluctant to disobey them
Just as the Muslim woman hastens to
treat her parents with kindness and respect, she is also afraid to commit the
sin of disobeying them, because she realises the enormity of this sin which is
counted as one of the major sins (al-kaba’ir). She is aware of the
frightening picture which Islam paints of the one who disobeys her parents, and
this stirs her conscience and softens any hardness of heart or harsh feelings
that she might be harboring.
Islam draws a comparison between
disobedience towards one’s parents and the crime of associating partners with
Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala), just
as it establishes a link between true faith in Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala) and
respectful treatment of parents. Disobedience to one’s parents is a heinous
crime, which the true Muslim woman is loath to commit, for it is the greatest of
major sins and the worst of errors. Abu Bakrah Nufay’ ibn al-Harith said:
“Allah’s
Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam)
asked us three times, ‘Shall I tell you the greatest sins?’ We said,
‘Yes, O Messenger of Allah.’ He said, ‘Associating partners with Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala) and
disobeying one’s parents.’” 9
Her mother comes first, then her father
Islam has encouraged respect and
kindness towards parents. Some texts deal with the mother and father separately,
but taken all together, the texts enjoin a healthy balance in children’s
attention to their parents, so that respect to one parent will not be at the
expense of the other. Some texts further confirm that the mother should be given
precedence over the father.
So, as we have seen, when a man came to
give bay’ah and pledge to take part in jihad, the Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) asked
him, “Are either of your parents alive?” This indicates that the Muslim is
obliged to treat both parents equally well. Similarly, Asma’ was ordered to
keep in contact with her mushrik mother.
A man came to the Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and
asked him, “O Messenger of Allah (subhanahu
wa ta’ala), who among people is most deserving of my good company?” He said,
“Your mother.” The man asked, “Then who?” The Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,
“Your mother.” The man asked, “Then who?” The Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,
“Your mother.” The man asked, “Then who?” The Prophet
(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said,
“Then your father.”10
This
Hadith confirms that the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) gave
precedence to kind treatment of one’s mother over kind treatment of one’s
father, and the Sahabah used to remind the Muslims of this after the death of
the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam). Ibn ‘Abbas, a great scholar and faqih
of this ummah, considered kind treatment of one’s mother to be the best
deed to bring one closer to Allah (subhanahu
wa ta’ala). A man came to him and said, “I asked for a woman’s hand in
marriage, and she refuse me. Someone else asked for her hand and she accepted
and married him. I felt jealous, so I killed her. Will my repentance be
accepted?” Ibn ‘Abbas asked, “Is your mother still alive?” He said,
“No.” So he told him, “Repent to Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala) and
do your best to draw close to Him.”
‘Ata’
ibn Yassar, who narrated this report from Ibn ‘Abbas, said: “I went and
asked Ibn Abbas, ‘Why did you ask him if his mother was still alive?’ He
said, ‘Because I know of no other deed that brings people closer to Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala) than
kind treatment and respect towards one’s mother.’” 11
Imam
Bukhari opens his book al-Adab al-Mufrad with a chapter on respect and
kindness towards parents (birr al-walidayn), in which he places the
section on good treatment of the mother before that on good treatment of the
father, consistent with the teachings of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam).
The Qur’an evokes feelings of love
and respect in the heart of the child, and encourages him or her to treat
parents well. It refers to the mother being given precedence because of
pregnancy and breast-feeding, and the pains and trials that she suffers during
these two stages, in a most gentle and compassionate way. It recognizes her
noble sacrifice and great tenderness and care:
(
And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail
did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: [hear the command]:
‘Show gratitude to Me and to your parents: to Me is [your final] Goal.’) (Qur’an 31:14)
What
supreme teaching! What humane, compassionate direction: “Show gratitude to Me
and to your parents.” Showing gratitude to parents for what they have done for
their child comes second only to showing gratitude to Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala), and is one of the best righteous deeds. What a
high status this religion gives to parents:
Ibn
‘Umar saw a Yemeni man circumambulating the Ka’bah, carrying his mother. The
man said to him, “I am like a tame camel for her: I have carried her more than
she carried me. Do you think I have paid her back, O Ibn ‘Umar?” He replied,
“No, not even one contraction!”12
Every time
‘Umar ibn al-Khattab (radhiallahu
anhu) saw the reinforcements from Yemen, he asked them, “Is Uways ibn ‘Amir
among you?” - until he found Uways. He asked him, “Are you Uways ibn ‘Amir?”
Uways said, “Yes.” ‘Umar asked, “Are you from the clan of Murad in the
tribe of Qaran?” Uways said, “Yes.” ‘Umar asked, “Did you have
leprosy, then you were cured of it except for an area the size of a dirham?
Uways said, “Yes.” ‘Umar asked, “Do you have a mother?” Uways said,
“Yes.” ‘Umar said: “I heard Allah’s Messenger(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam) say: ‘There will come to you with the reinforcements from
Yemen a man called Uways ibn ‘Amir of the clan of Murad from the tribe of
Qaran. He had leprosy but has been cured of it except for a spot the size of a dirham.
He has a mother, and he has always treated her with kindness and respect. If he
prays to Allah (subhanahu wa
ta’ala), Allah (subhanahu wa
ta’ala) will fulfil his wish. If
you can ask him to pray for forgiveness for you, then do so.’ So ask Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala) to
forgive me.” Uways asked Allah (subhanahu
wa ta’ala) to forgive him, then
‘Umar asked him, “Where are you going?” Uways said, “To Kufah.”
‘Umar said, “Shall I write a letter of recommendation for you to the
governor there?” Uways said, “I prefer to be anonymous among the people.”13
What
a high status Uways reached by virtue of his kindness and respect towards his
mother, so that the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) recommended
his Sahabah to seek him out and ask him to prafor them!
All of this indicates the high status
to which Islam has raised the position of motherhood, and given the mother
precedence over the father. At the same time, Islam has given importance to both
parents, and has enjoined kindness and respect to both.
A woman may enjoy a life of ease and
luxury in her husband’s home, and may be kept so busy with her husband and
growing children that she has little time to spare for her parents, and neglects
to check on them and treat them well.
But the true Muslim woman is safe from
such errors, as she reads the recommendations of the Qur’an and Sunnah
concerning parents. So she pays attention to them, constantly checking on them
and hastening to treat them well, as much as her energy, time and circumstances
permit, and as much as she can.
She treats them
kindly
The Muslim woman who has embraced the
values of Islam is kind and respectful towards her parents, treating them well
and choosing the best ways to speak to them and deal with them. She speaks to
them with all politeness and respect, and surrounds them with all honour and
care, lowering to them the wing of humility, as commanded by Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala) in
the Qur’an. She never utters a word of contempt or complaint to them, no
matter what the circumstances, always heeding the words of Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala) :
(
Your Rabb (Cherisher and Sustainer)
has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to
parents. Whether one of both of them attain old age in your life, say not to
them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour.
And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: ‘My Rabb (Cherisher and Sustainer) ! Bestow on them Your mercy
even as they cherished me in childhood.’) (Qur’an 17:23-24)
If
one or both parents are deviating from true Islam in some way, the dutiful
Muslim daughter should, in this case, approach them in a gentle and sensitive
manner, so as to dissuade them from their error. She should not condemn them
harshly, but should try to convince them with solid proof, sound logic, wise
words and patience, until they turn to the truth in which she believes.
The Muslim woman is required to treat
her parents well, even if they are mushrikin. She does not forget that
she is obliged to treat them well in spite of their shirk. Although she
knows that shirk is the worst of major sins, this does not prevent her
from treating her parents well according to the uniquely tolerant shari’ah
of Islam:
(
And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail
did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: [hear the command],
‘Show gratitude to Me and to your parents: to Me is [your final] Goal.’ But
if they strive to make you join in worship with Me things of which you have no
knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice [and
consideration], and follow the way of those who turn to Me [in love]: in the End
the return of you all is to Me, and I will tell you the truth [and meaning] of
all that you did.)
(Qur’an 31:14-15)
Kindness
and respect towards parents is an important matter in Islam, because it springs
from the strongest of human ties, the bond of a child to his or her mother and
father. But this bond, great as it is, must come second to the bonds of faith.
If the parents are mushrikin, and order their son or daughter to join
them in their shirk, then the child must not obey them. There is no
obedience to a created being in disobeying the Creator; no other bond may
supersede that of faith and belief in Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’ala). However, children are still obliged to honor and
take care of their parents.
The Muslim woman is kind and respectful
towards her parents in all circumstances, and she spares no effort to make them
happy, as much as she can and within the limits of Islam. So she checks on them
from time to time, offers her services, visits them often and greets them with a
cheerful smile, a loving heart, delightful gifts and words of kindness.
This is how she cares for them during
their lives. After their death, she shows her love and respect by praying for
them, giving charity on their behalf, and paying off whatever debts they may owe
to Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala)
or to other people.
Treating parents with kindness and
respect is one of the essential attitudes of Muslim men and women. This noble
attitude should be ongoing and should continue, no matter how complicated life
becomes, no matter how high the cost of living rises, and no matter how many
burdens or responsibilities a person has.
This attitude is an indication of the
rich emotions that still exist in Muslim lands, al-hamdu-lillah, and it
is proof of the gratitude which Muslim men and women feel towards the older
generation which has made so many sacrifices for them when they themselves were
most in need of kind words, consolation and a helping hand.
This attitude will protect a person,
man or woman, from hard-heartedness and ingratitude. What is more, it will open
to them the gates of Paradise.
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