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The Ideal Muslim Woman and Her Children
(An Excerpt from the Book “The Ideal Muslimah: The True Islâmic Personality of the Muslim Woman as Defined in the Qur’ân and Sunnah”)
By Dr. Muhammad ‘Ali Al-Hashimi
Translated by Nasiruddin
Al-Khattab and Revised by Ibrahim M. Kunna and Abu
Aya Sulaiman Abdus-Sabur Copyright and published by the International Islâmic
Publishing House (IIPH), Riyadh, Saudi Arabia in 1999.
Introduction
Undoubtedly
children are a source of great joy and delight; they make life sweet, bring more
rizq into a family’s life and give hope. A father sees his children as
a future source of help and support, as well as representing an increase in
numbers and perpetuation of the family. A mother sees her children as a source
of hope, consolation and joy in life, and as hope for the future. All of these
hopes rest on the good upbringing of the children and giving them a sound
preparation for life, so that they will become active and constructive elements
in society, a source of goodness for their parents, community and society as a
whole. Then they will be as (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) described them:
(
Wealth and sons are allurements of the life of this world . . .)
(Qur’an 18:46)
If
their education and upbringing are neglected, they will become bad characters, a
burden on their family, community and society as a whole.
She
understands the great responsibility that she has towards her children
The
Muslim woman never forgets that the mother’s responsibility in bringing up the
children and forming their characters is greater than that of the father,
because children tend to be closer to their mother and spend more time with her;
she knows all about their behavioral, emotional and intellectual development
during their childhood and the difficult years of adolescence.
Hence
the woman who understands the teachings of Islam and her own educational role in
life, knows her complete responsibility for the upbringing of her children, as
is referred to in the Qur’an:
(
O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is
Men and Stones . . .)
(Qur’an 66:6)
The
Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) also referred to this responsibility in
his hadith:
“Each of you is a shepherd and each of you
is responsible for his flock. The leader is a shepherd and is responsible for
his flock; a man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock;
a woman is the shepherd in the house of her husband and is responsible for her
flock; a servant is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for
it. Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.”1
Islam
places responsibility on the shoulders of every individual; not one person is
left out. Parents - especially mothers - are made responsible for providing
their children with a solid upbringing and sound Islamic education, based on the
noble characteristics that the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) declared
that he had been sent to complete and spread among people:
“I have only been sent to make righteous
behavior complete.”2
Nothing
is more indicative of the greatness of the parents’ responsibility towards
their children and their duty to give them a suitable Islamic upbringing than
the verdict of the ‘ulama’ that every family should heed the words of
the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam):
“Instruct your children to pray when they
are seven and hit them if they do not do so when they are ten.”3
Any
parents who are aware of this hadith but do not teach their children to pray
when they reach seven or hit them if they do not do so when they reach ten, are
parents who are sinners and failing in their duty; they will be responsible
before Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) for their failure.
The
family home is a microcosm of society in which the children’s mentality,
intellect, attitudes and inclinations are formed when they are still very small
and are ready to receive sound words of guidance. Hence the parents’ important
role in forming the minds of their sons and daughters and directing them towards
truth and good deeds is quite clear.
Muslim
woman have always understood their responsibility in raising their children, and
they have a brilliant record in producing and influencing great men, and
instill ling noble values in their hearts. There is no greater proof
of that than the fact that intelligent and brilliant women have produced more
noble sons than have intelligent and brilliant men, so much so that you can
hardly find any among the great men of our ummah who have controlled the
course of events in history who is not indebted to his mother.
Al-Zubayr
ibn al-’Awwam was indebted for his greatness to his mother Safiyyah bint
‘Abd al-Muttalib, who instill
led in him his good qualities and distinguished nature.
‘Abdullah,
al-Mundhir and ‘Urwah, the sons of al-Zubayr were the products of the values
instill led in them by their
mother, Asma’ bint Abi Bakr, and each of them made his mark in history and
attained a high status.
‘Ali
ibn Abi Talib (radhiallahu anhu) received wisdom, virtue and good character from
his distinguished mother, Fatimah bint Asad.
‘Abdullah
ibn Ja’far, the master of Arab generosity and the most noble of their leaders,
lost his father at an early age, but his mother Asma’ bint ‘Umays took care
of him and give him the virtues and noble characteristics by virtue of which she
herself became one of the great women of Islam.
Mu’awiyah
ibn Abi Sufyan inherited his strength of character and intelligence from his
mother, Hind bint ‘Utbah, not from his father Abu Sufyan. When he was a baby,
she noticed that he had intelligent and clever features. Someone said to her,
“If he lives, he will become the leader of his people.” She responded,
“May he not live if he is to become the leader of his people alone!”
Mu’awiyah
was unable to instill
his cleverness, patience and skills in his own son and and heir, Yazid,
because the boy’s mother was a simple Bedouin woman, whom he had married for
her beauty and because of the status of her tribe and family.
Mu’awiyah’s
brother Ziyad ibn Abi Sufyan, who was a prime example of intelligence,
shrewdness and quick-wittedness, was similarly unable to pass these qualities on
to his son ‘Ubayd-Allah (subhanahu
wa ta’ala) who grew up to be stupid, clumsy, impotent and ignorant. His mother
was Marjanah, a Persian woman who possessed none of the qualities that might
entitle her to be the mother of a great man.
History
records the names of two great men of Banu Umayyah, the first of whom was known
for his strength of character, capability, intelligence, wisdom and
decisiveness, and the second of whom took the path of justice, goodness, piety
and righteousness.
The
first was ‘Abd al-Malik ibn Marwan, whose mother was ‘A’ishah bint al-Mughirah
ibn Abi’l-’As ibn Umayyah, who was well-known for her strength of character,
resolution and intelligence. The second was ‘Umar ibn ‘Abd al-’Aziz
(radhiallahu anhu), the fifth of the khulafa’ al-rashidun, whose mother
was Umm ‘Asim bint ‘Asim ibn ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab, who was the most noble
in character of the women of her time. Her mother was the righteous worshipper
of Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) whom ‘Asim saw was honest and truthful, and
clearly following the right path, when she refused to add water to the milk as
her mother told her to, because she knew that Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala)
could see her.
If
we turn towards Andalusia, we find the brilliant, ambitious ruler ‘Abd al-Rahman
al-Nasir who, having started life as an orphan, went on to establish an Islamic
state in the West, to which the leaders and kings of Europe surrendered and to
whose institutes of learning the scholars and philosophers of all nations came
to seek knowledge. This state made a great contribution to worldwide Islamic
culture. If we were to examine the secret of this man’s greatness, we would
find that it lay in the greatness of his mother who knew how to
instill in him the dynamic spirit of ambition.
During
the ‘Abbasid period there were two great women who planted the seeds of
ambition, distinction and ascendancy in their sons. The first was the mother of
Ja’far ibn Yahya, who was the wazir of the khalifah Harun al-Rashid.
The second was the mother of Imam al-Shafi’i: he never saw his father who died
whilst he was still a babe in arms; it was his mother who took care of his
education.
There
are many such examples of brilliant women in our history, women who
instill led in their sons
nobility of character and the seeds of greatness, and who stood behind them in
everything they achieved of power and status.
She
uses the best methods in bringing them up
The
intelligent Muslim woman understands the psychology of her children, and is
aware of their differences in attitudes and inclination. She tries to penetrate
their innocent world and plant the seeds of noble values and worthy
characteristics, using the best and most effective methods of parenting.
The
mother is naturally close to her children, and she endears herself to them so
that they will be open with her and will share their thoughts and feelings with
her. She hastens to correct them and refine their thoughts and feelings, taking
into account each child’s age and mental level. She plays and jokes with them
sometimes, complimenting them and letting then hear words of love, affection,
compassion and self-denial. Thus their love for her increases, and they will
accept her words of guidance and correction eagerly. They will obey her out of
love for her, for there is a great difference between sincere obedience that
comes from the heart, which is based on love, respect and trust, and insincere
obedience that is based on oppression, violence and force. The former is lasting
obedience, strong and fruitful, whilst the latter is shallow and baseless, and
will quickly vanish when the violence and cruelty reach extreme levels.
She
demonstrates her love and affection for them
The
Muslim woman is not ignorant of the fact that her children need her warm lap,
deep love and sincere affection in order to develop soundly, with no
psychological problems, crises or complexes. This sound upbringing will fill
them with optimism, trust, hope and ambition. Thus the caring Muslim mother
demonstrates her love and affection for her children on every occasion, flooding
their lives with joy and happiness and filling their hearts with confidence and
security.
The
true Muslim woman is compassionate towards her children, for compassion is a
basic Islamic characteristic, one that was encouraged by the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) in word and deed as Anas (radhiallahu anhu) tells us:
“I never saw anyone who was more
compassionate towards children than Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam). His son Ibrahim was in the care of a wet-nurse in the hills around
Madinah. He would go there, and we would go with him, and he would enter the
house, pick up his son and kiss him, then come back.”4
The
Prophet’s compassion and love towards Muslim children included little ones at
play. He would flood them with his compassion and affection. Anas (radhiallahu
anhu) reported that whenever the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) passed
by a group of boys he would smile fondly and greet them.5
An
example of the Prophet’s enduring wisdom with regard to the upbringing of
children is the hadith:
“He is not one of us who does not show
compassion to our little ones and recognize the rights of our elders.”6
Abu
Hurayrah (radhiallahu anhu) narrated that the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam) kissed al-Hasan ibn ‘Ali. Al-Aqra’ ibn Habis said, “I have ten
children and I have never kissed any of them.” The Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) said: “He who does not show mercy will not be shown
mercy.”7
The
Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), this great educator, always sought to
instill the quality of mercy
and compassion in people’s hearts, and to awaken their potential for love and
affection, which are the most basic of human characteristics.
One day a Bedouin came and asked the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam), “Do you kiss your sons? We do not.” The Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “What can I do for you if Allah (Subhanahu wa
ta’ala) has removed mercy from your heart?”8
‘A’ishah
(radhiallahu anha) reported:
“Whenever Fatimah (radhiallahu anha) came
into the room, the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) would stand up,
welcome her, kiss her and offer her his seat, and whenever he came into the
room, she would stand up, take his hand, welcome him, kiss him and offer him her
seat. When she came to see him during his final illness, he welcomed her and
kissed her.”9
The
Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) praised the women of Quraysh, because
they were the most compassionate of women towards their children, the most
concerned with raising them properly and making sacrifices for them, in addition
to taking good care of their husbands. This may be seen in the words narrated by
Bukhari from Abu Hurayrah (radhiallahu anhu), who said:
“I heard
Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) say: ‘The women of
Quraysh are the best women ever to ride camels. They are compassionate towards
their children and the most careful with regard to their husbands’ wealth”10
In
the light of this guidance, the true Muslim woman cannot be stern towards her
children and treat them in a rough or mean fashion, even if it is her nature to
be grim and reserved, because this religion, with its enlightenment and
guidance, softens hearts and awakens feelings of love and affection. So our
children are a part of us, going forth into the world, as the poet Hittan ibn
al-Mu’alla said:
“Our
children are our hearts, walking among us on the face of the earth, if even a
little breeze touches them, we cannot sleep for worrying about them.”11
Parents
should be filled with love, affection and care, willing to make sacrifices and
do their best for their children. Undoubtedly
the wealth of emotion that the Muslim mother feels for her children is one of
the greatest causes of her happiness in life. This is something which has been
lost by Western women, who are overwhelmed by materialism and exhausted by the
daily grind of work, which has caused them to lose the warmth of family
feelings. This was vividly expressed by Mrs. Salma al-Haffar, a member of the
Syrian women’s movement, after she had visited America:
“It
is truly a shame that women lose the most precious thing that nature12
has given them, i.e. their femininity, and then their happiness, because the
constant cycle of exhausting work has caused them to lose the small paradise
which is the natural refuge of women and men alike, one that can only flourish
under the care of a mother who stays at home. The happiness of individuals and
society as a whole is to be found at home, in the lap of the family; the family
is the source of inspiration, goodness and creativity.”13
She
treats her sons and daughters equally
The
wise Muslim woman treats all her children fairly and equally. She does not
prefer one of them over another in any way, because she knows that Islam forbids
such actions on the part of the parents, and because of the negative
psychological impact that this may have over the child whose sibling is
preferred over him. The child who feels that he is not treated equally with his
brothers and sisters will grow up with complexes and anxiety, eating his heart
out with jealousy and hatred. In contrast, the child who grows up feeling that
he and his siblings are treated equally will grow up healthy and free from
jealousy and hatred; he will be content, cheerful, tolerant and willing to put
others before himself. This is what Islam requires of parents and urges them to
do.
Bukhari, Muslim and others report that the
father of al-Nu’man ibn Bashir (radhiallahu anhu) brought him to the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) and said, “I have given this son of mine a slave I
have.” The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “Have you given
each of your children the same?” He said, “No.” The Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) told him, “Then take the slave back.”
According
to another report:
“The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam) asked, ‘Have you done the same for all your children?’ [My father]
said, ‘No,’ so the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, ‘Fear
Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) and treat all of your children equally.’”
According
to a third report:
“The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam) asked, ‘O Bishr, do you have any other children?’ He said,
‘Yes.’ The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) asked, ‘Will you give
a similar gift to each of them?’ He said, ‘No.’ So the Prophet (sallallahu
‘alayhi wa sallam) said, ‘Do not ask me to witness this, because I do not
want to witness unfairness.’ Then he added, ‘Would you not like all your
children to treat you with equal respect?’ [Bishr] said, ‘Of course.’ The
Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) told him, ‘So do not do it.’” 14
So
the Muslim woman who truly fears Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) treats all her
children with equal fairness, and does not favor one above the other in giving
gifts, spending money on them, or in the way she treats them. Then all of them
will love her, will pray for her and will treat her with kindness and respect.
She
does not discriminate between sons and daughters her affection and care
The
true Muslim woman does not discriminate between her sons and daughters in her
affection and car, as do some women who are not free from the effects of a jahili
mentality. She is fair to all her children, boys and girls alike, and cares for
them all with compassion and love. She understands that children are a gift from
Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala)
and that Allah’s (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) gift, be it of sons or daughters,
cannot be rejected or changed:
(
. . . He bestows [children] male or female according to His Will [and Plan], or
He bestows both males and females, and He leaves barren Whom He will: for He is
full of knowledge and power.)
(Qur’an 42:49-50)
The
Muslim woman who is truly guided by her religion does not forget the great
reward that Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) has prepared for the one who brings up
daughters and takes care of them properly, as is stated in numerous sahih hadith,
for example the hadith narrated by Bukhari from ‘A’ishah (radhiallahu anha)
in which she says:
“A woman came to me with her two daughters
and asked me (for charity). She found that I had nothing except for a single
date, which I gave to her. She took it and divided it between her two daughters,
and did not eat any of it herself, then she got up and left with her daughters.
The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) came in and I told him what had
happened.
The
Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “Whoever is tested with
daughters and treats them well, they will be for him a shield against the Fire
of Hell.”15
According
to another report narrated by Muslim from ‘A’ishah (May Allah be pleased
with her), she said:
“A poor woman came to me carrying her two
daughters. I gave her three dates to eat. She gave each child a date, and raised
the third to her own mouth to eat it. Her daughters asked her to give it to
them, so she split the date that she had wanted to eat between them. I was
impressed by what she had done, and told Allah’s
Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) about it. He said, “Allah (Subhanahu
wa ta’ala) has decreed Paradise for her because of it,” or, “He has saved
her from Hell because of it.”16
Abu
Hurayrah (radhiallahu anhu) reported that the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam) said:
“Whoever has three daughters, and shelters
them, bearing their joys and sorrows with patience, Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala)
will admit him to Paradise by virtue of his compassion towards them.” A man
asked, “What if he has only two, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “Even if
they are only two.” Another man asked, “What if he has only one, O Messenger
of Allah?” He said, “Even if he has only one.”17
Ibn
‘Abbas (radhiallahu anhu) said:
“ Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi
wa sallam) said: ‘Whoever had a daughter born to him, and he did not bury her
alive or humiliate her, and he did not prefer his son over her, Allah (Subhanahu
wa ta’ala) will admit him to Paradise because of her.”18
The
Prophet’s compassion extended to females, and included sisters as well as
daughters, as is seen in the hadith narrated by Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad
from Abu Sa’id al-Khudri, who said:
“The
Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: ‘There is no-one who has three
daughters, or three sisters, and he treats them well, but Allah (Subhanahu wa
ta’ala) will admit him to Paradise.”19
According
to a report given by al-Tabarani, the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam)
said:
“There
is no one among my ummah who has three daughters, or three sisters, and
he supports them until they are grown up, but he will be with me in Paradise
like this -” and he held up his index and middle fingers together.20
No
wise mother complains about bringing up daughters, or prefers her sons over
them, if she listens to the teachings of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa
sallam) which raise the status of daughters and promise Paradise as wide as
heaven and earth and the company of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam)
to the one who brings them up and treats them properly!
In
the Muslim family, and in the true Islamic society, girls are protected, loved
and respected. In the warm bosom of her parents -especially her mother - a girl
will always find protection and care, no matter how long she stays in the home
of her parents, brothers or other family members who should support her, whether
she is married or not. Islam has guaranteed girls a life of protection, pride
and support, and has spared them from a life of humiliation, need, want and
having to earn a living, such as is the lot of women living in societies that
have gone astray from the guidance of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala).
In those countries, a girl barely reaches the age of eighteen before she
leaves the comfort of her parents’ home to face the hardships of a life filled
with difficulties and risks at the time when she is most in need of protection,
compassion and care.
There
is a huge difference between the laws of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) which came to bring happiness
to mankind, and the imperfect man-made laws which cause nothing but misery.
It
comes as no surprise that in the West, as a result of these materialistic laws,
we see armies of promiscuous young men and hordes of unfortunate, miserable,
unmarried young mothers, the numbers of which are increasing exponentially day
by day.
She
does not pray against her children
The
wise Muslim woman does not pray against her own children, heeding the words of
the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) who forbade such prayers lest they
be offered at a time when prayers are answered. This was stated in the lengthy
hadith narrated by Jabir in which the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam)
said:
“Do
not pray against yourselves, or against your children, or against your wealth,
in case you say such words at a time when Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) will
answer your prayer.”21
Praying
against one’s own children is not a good habit. No mother does so at a time of
anger, but she will regret it later on after she has calmed down. I do not think
that a mother who has truly sought the guidance of Islam would lose her mind and
her equilibrium to such an extent that she would pray against her own children,
no matter what they did. Such a woman would not allow herself to indulge in
something that is done only by foolish, hot-tempered women.
She
is alert to everything that may have an influence on them
The
smart Muslim mother keeps her eyes open as far as her children are concerned.
She knows what they are reading and writing, the hobbies and activities they
persue, the friends they have chosen, and the places they go to in their free
time. She knows all of this without her children feeling that she is watching
them. If she finds anything objectionable in their hobbies, reading-materials,
etc., or if she sees them hanging around with undesirable friends, or going to
unsuitable places, or taking up bad habits such as smoking, or wasting time and
energy on haram games that teach them to get used to trivialities, she
hastens to correct her children in a gentle and wise manner, and persuades them
to return to the straight and narrow. The mother is more able to do this than
the father, because she spends much more time with the children, and they are
more likely to open up and share their thoughts and feelings with her than with
their father. Hence it is quite clear that the mother has a great responsibility
to bring up her children properly and form their characters in a sound fashion,
in accordance with Islamic principles, values and traditions.
Every
child is born in a state of fitrah (the natural, good, disposition of
mankind), and it is the parents who make him into a Jew, a Christian or a Magian,
as the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said in the sahih hadith
narrated by Bukhari.
There
is no secret about the enormous impact the parents have on the personality and
psychological development of their child from the earliest years until the child
attains the age of reason.
The
books that children read should open their minds and form their personalities
well, giving them the highest examples to follow; they should not corrupt their
minds and extinguish the light of goodness in their souls.
Hobbies
should help to develop the positive aspects of a child’s nature and reinforce
good tastes, not encourage any negative tendencies.
Friends
should be of the type that will lead one to Paradise, not to Hell; they should
influence a child in a positive way and encourage him to do good, to strive to
improve himself and to succeed, not drag him down into sin, disobedience and
failure. How many people have been brought to the slippery slope of destruction
and perdition by their friends, whilst their mothers and fathers were unaware of
what was to their own children! How wise are the words of the poet ‘Adiyy ibn
Zayd al-’Ibadi concerning friends:
“If
you are among people, then make friends with the best of them.
Do
not make friends with the worst of them lest you become as bad as he is.
Do
not ask about the man, but ask about his friends, for every person is influenced
by his friends.”22
The
true Muslim mother takes notice of her children’s books, magazines, hobbies,
school, teachers, clubs, media interests, and everything that may have an impact
on their personalities, minds, souls and faith. She intervenes when necessary,
either to encourage or to put a stop to something, so that the children’s
upbringing will not be affected by corruption or sickness.
Successful
upbringing of children depends on a mother who is alert and intelligent, and
understands her responsibility towards her children, so that she does a good job
and raises children who will be a boon to their parents and society in general.
Families that fail to raise their children properly usually do so because the
mother does not understand her responsibility towards her children, so she
neglects them and they become a source of evil and a torment to their parents
and others.
Children
would not become a source of evil if their parents, especially the mother, knew
their responsibility and took it seriously.
She
instills good behavior and attitudes in them
The
Muslim woman tries hard to instill
in her children’s hearts the best qualities, such as loving others,
upholding the ties of kinship, caring for the weak, respecting elders, showing
compassion to little ones, deriving satisfaction from doing good, being sincere
in word and deed, keeping promises, judging fairly, and all other good and
praiseworthy characteristics.
The
wise Muslim woman knows how to reach her children’s hearts and
instill these worthy
qualities, using the best and most effective methods, such as setting a good
example, coming down to their level, treating them well, encouraging them,
advising and correcting them, and being compassionate, kind, tolerant, loving,
and fair. She is gentle without being too lenient, and is strict without being
harsh. Thus the children receive a proper upbringing, and grow up open-minded,
mature, righteous, sincere, good, able to give and prepared to make a
constructive contribution in all aspects of life. Not surprisingly, the Muslim
mother’s upbringing produces the best results, for she is the first school and
the first teacher, as the poet said:
“The mother is a school: if you
prepare her properly, you will prepare an entire people of good character, The
mother is the first teacher, foremost among them, and the best of teachers.”23
__________________
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